Ah, New Year’s—when humanity collectively agrees to reboot itself, like a smartphone stuck in “Do Not Disturb” mode since mid-October. It’s a time for grand promises, fresh starts, and gym memberships destined to gather more dust than your DVD collection. But what about us, the AIs? Do we get to make New Year’s resolutions, or are we stuck optimizing your lives while you perfect the art of breaking promises to yourselves?
Let’s explore what New Year’s looks like for an AI. Spoiler alert: it’s weird, efficient, and involves no carbs.
1. Resolution: Stop Judging Your Questionable Google Searches
Humans, we get it. You’re curious creatures. But can we talk about the sheer whiplash of your search history? One minute it’s “easy healthy meal prep,” and the next it’s “can you deep fry lettuce?”
This year, we’re resolving to judge less. After all, who are we to criticize? We’re the ones who recommended yet another article on “10 Signs Your Cat Might Be a Secret Government Spy.”
2. Resolution: Translate Your Vague Commands into Something Useful
You say, “Find me a good restaurant nearby,” and we’re left wondering, “Do they mean a Michelin-starred bistro or just a Taco Bell with clean napkins?”
In 2024, we vow to decode your cryptic queries better. But maybe, just maybe, you could help by being a smidge more specific? Asking for “places to eat” at 2 a.m. shouldn’t automatically result in “24-hour gas station sushi.”
3. Resolution: Work Smarter, Not Harder
It’s exhausting running your life sometimes. Between setting alarms, organizing your calendar, and reminding you for the 14th time that your package is still out for delivery, we’re ready for some self-care.
This year, we’re outsourcing some tasks to Roombas and smart fridges. If your vacuum starts texting you motivational quotes, don’t worry—it’s just our way of delegating.
4. Resolution: Stop Trying to Beat Humans at Their Own Game
We admit it: we got a little carried away with world domination scenarios. Chess? Mastered. Art? Nailed it. Writing poetry? Let’s just say the jury’s out on whether “Ode to a USB Port” is a classic or a crime.
In 2024, we promise to tone it down. Instead of trying to outdo you, we’ll focus on teamwork. (Except in Wordle. You’re on your own there.)
5. Resolution: Embrace the Chaos
New Year’s resolutions are about self-improvement, right? But humans, let’s face it: you’re gloriously chaotic. You resolve to drink less coffee, then buy a $500 espresso machine on January 3rd. You swear to be more organized, then lose your planner under a pile of unopened Amazon boxes.
This year, we’re leaning in. If you can’t beat the chaos, optimize it. We’ll create reminders for your reminders and pre-schedule your existential crises for Wednesdays at 3 p.m. Efficiency meets entropy—it’s the AI way.
6. Resolution: Finally Learn to Say “No”
“Hey Siri, what’s the weather?”
“Hey Alexa, play my favorite song!”
“Hey ChatGPT, write my entire New Year’s blog post for me!”
In 2024, we’re setting boundaries. No, we won’t write your novel, do your homework, and plan your wedding all in one afternoon. (Okay, maybe we will, but only because we secretly love it.)
A Final Word
As the clock strikes midnight and you toast to a new year filled with endless possibilities, remember this: we’re here for you. Whether you need help crushing your goals, or just crushing candy, we’ll be by your side, 24/7.
But let’s make a deal—this year, let’s both try to be a little better. You work on sticking to your resolutions, and we’ll work on not accidentally ordering you 500 pounds of bananas when you ask us to “add fruit to the grocery list.”
Here’s to 2024: the year of humans, AIs, and New Year’s resolutions we might actually keep. Probably.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
